hate myself
i am just feeling lousy about myself now...
in fact, i hate myself to a certain extent.
was reading on emotions as related to power relations and social status.
as well as on empathy. how is empathy both an innate response and a social construct.
this 2 readings reminded of the past.
how i was manipulated by the bastard. how i empathized n fell for his trap.
how he abused me emotionally... how stupid i was.
seriously, i still can't get over the fact of how these managed to happen. to me.
and for why? i am feeling rather depressed now as much as i know that it's been a year since it happened. i hate myself for being weak and sensitive.
i detest myself for being gullible and stupid.
probably that's why i focus on my work. escapism.
but it's not working. i am nowhere near being an effective student who is exam-smart and articulate. definitely there's alwiz someone better than me. but i am not even good. despite putting in so much time and effort in my work. lack of insights and arguments. no originality. lack of opinions etc. and i had to give up opportunities of doing part time work. if i had money and passable results, i won't feel that bad. i am not hard up for honours or intending to trode the academic road. but i wanna be above the mediocre. i am just lousy.
i was feeling good about myself before i read those readings that associated with bad experienced. damn. it's detrimental.
was reading Eileen's friendster today.
jus for the fun of it. there's a link from my Friendster.
she scares me. she unbashedly proclaims that she loves money; she's materialistic etc.
she wants a not bad looking boyfriend. but most importantly, he must be well to do.
i don't know how to describe it but it really scares me to see what kinda person she is.
and what she's her goals in life. damn. she's now this fucking resonance in my head.
everytime i think about human evolution, the imagery of Eileen and the Bastard pops up in my mind synonymously. goodness gracious me. it reminds me of the demise of the human species.
can't imagine what kind of value she will impart to my children as a teacher.
sorry to say, but i despise people who do not have any spiritual values.
or least, moral values. people do all sort of hurtful despicable acts in the name of money.
i love money too. who doesn't?
but i love God, my religious teachings, my Bible and my family more than i love money and the good life it offers. people who worship materialism do not value God nor count their blessings.
they will only complain and lament about their unhappiness coz they are never satisfied.
neither will they speak or act in grace coz they're motivated by greed.
they will only be nice who have something to offer to them.
i really lost faith in humanity.
where is the love?
though i am very blessed and appreciative to have wonderful close friends, church mates and classmates, i still haven't recovered from the pain inflicted in the past.
the more i look at Eileen and listen to what she says, i can only feel cold fear.
what has happened to human and the society?
the more affluent we are, the more warped our values get.
what role does God play in today's social context? do people still believe in Him?
do they still live their lives adhering to His teachings?
i want to remind myself of my blessings. the love i am showered with.
the joy i recieve from little daily happenings. the health i am blessed with.
but the joyful events are alwiz overwhelmed by disappointment and sadness.
then again, people like the Bastard and Eileen and other weirdos are probably a rare case in the world. that's why intellectuals investigate them as subjects of interests with regards to matters of criminology, psychiatric disorders and the construction of the ego.
sometimes, i just wish that memories can be erased and only the loveliest ones retained.
posted by Veen @ 01:06
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